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Solving Conflicts With Your Child or Teen Easily, the Fourth and Fifth Step
By: Wouter Van Der Hall , Posted On: Tuesday, April 03, 2007
When you talk about curfews, about pocket money, is that really the issue? Step four of the process is to look behind what you seem to talk about. It gives you access to solutions you would not have dreamed finding.
What are your interests behind the issue?
Example.
You and your son are struggling to find an appropriate time for him to be home.
You say 10PM, he says 12.
You can barter, but what is it really about?
Maybe you want him home safe and you're not certain he will be, out late, with is buddies who might drink?
He might want to see a band that starts at 10.30PM.
Coming home early wouldn't give him what he wants. Coming home late doesn't give you that.
If it is about safety, can you pick him up, can he take a cab? By looking behind it, at what it really is about, being partners you can find other ways.
Because in the long run, you want it to work for both. Ask them things like "You know, what is really important about this for me is this...
What is it for you?" Share your interests and invite them to do the same. It makes sure you don't miss something important that needs solved. For you and for them! Step Five is to really look at what you can do without me and what I can do without you
Whatever you come up with needs to be better than that.Otherwise it is not a win-win. It also gives you the security that you will not "give away" more than you have to. It means things like in case of pocket money issues, you can say "no", they can -maybe- get a job and earn the money themselves.
Sometimes you can't think of anything you can do without the other: it shows that you really depend on each other to solve this!
Like in going on vacation together, going alone doesn't solve the issue. In serious issues look really hard at what your child can do and take their options seriously. They can run away from home. They can find money by doing things you wouldn't want them to.
Make it a part of your thinking that it needs to be better than that. Talk about it in a friendly tone, to make sure it is not seen as a negotiations strategy you use to get what you want. You could say something like "If I look at what I could do without you, it looks like this, but I want it to work for both of us. What could you do by yourself and how can we improve on that?" They now know that you have a bottom line and that they have one too!
And that you can do better than that, together. The next steps will be about your creativity in finding a new solution, checking it out and making the plan to do it! Wouter van der Hall is the author of The Parent Program
http://www.theparentprogram.com will give you easy access to positive parenting attitudes, tools and skills.
The Parent Program is a 15 minute a day email/web based parenting program.
You will feel more relaxed, confident and competent as you deal with parenting issues. 24/7 accessible at home and anywhere, so in your time, pace and comfort.
To help you become the great parent you can be. Article Author: Wouter_Van_Der_Hall
Article Source: http://www.many-articles.com
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